Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
You Might Also Like
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.