Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I did not eat the cake…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know