If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
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Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women