Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.