Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
guys I’m going home
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs