2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
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him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Ovenable?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle