What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
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“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.