Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
#Caturday
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?