To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My safe word is Worcestershire
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness