Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates