GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
You Might Also Like
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?