Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
You Might Also Like
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant