Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
How to woo a woman
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.