Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
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It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day