If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
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*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
“Your lifeguard r茅sum茅 is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I鈥檓 just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you鈥檝e made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that鈥檚 a fair point – I guess it鈥檚 really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Facebook Twitter
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Following Prince Phillip鈥檚 passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I鈥檓 now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I鈥檓 still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.