Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You Might Also Like
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
okay run it by me one more time
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.