I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If only.
The Sun
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
put ‘er there pardner!
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.