[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
He just like my cat fr
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.