I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Cats (2019)
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.