“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.