[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
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LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
“you recording!?”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
No. YOU-buprofen.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.