Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
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In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.