Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Just parrot things
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)