Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”