tell em, edith-anne
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Every time my phone rings
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Pretty much. 🤣
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*