[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*