Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
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[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.