I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My kitchen overserved me.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.