We’ve come full circle
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The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Social Media and Real life
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.