Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
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Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
is this a threat
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group