me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.