I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
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How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”