Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
sleeping beauty
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
2022: I can fix it
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.