What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.