by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.