I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.