leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles