I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….