[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″