If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
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Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
dutch is not a serious language
THIS HEADLINE
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
pat pat
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Fries, not lies.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.