College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I’m literally crying
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse