“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
*has no idea what a book even is*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
tinder is all about the long game
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors