HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”