I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”