Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
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My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.