HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Jail
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
the simulation is moving too fast
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.