*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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I don’t get marriage
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Had an epiphany today.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
that colleague who touches your screen
WTF IS THAT!
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.