DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
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my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”