Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
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Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
I can also cook 😂
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids