You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
You Might Also Like
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
No, YOUR illiterate.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!